Drowning in Air
by Sulky Shadow
Summary: The Darkness has always had an alluring pull to it. Even to the most powerful of hearts.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Kingdom Hearts. All characters go to their respectful owners. I only own this story.

* * *

**Drowning in Air**

The first time it happens, it's overwhelming.

There are so many dark whispers around him, and he doesn't know to whom most of the voices belong. So instead of listening to them all, he focuses on the loudest one—the most soothing.

It tells him that he should rest and let go of his troubles, and he can't think of a greater idea. It is stressful focusing on all of the chaos going around him at the moment, so he submits to the voice and forgets.

But then another voice intervenes and breaks the peaceful silence.

He wants to ignore it, but it reminds him of sunsets and sand and wooden swords, and, somehow, sleep doesn't have the same alluring pull it had a moment ago. So he focuses on the images and follows the voice that accompanies them.

After a bit of walking, he opens his eyes.

He doesn't understand why he feels so disappointed.

* * *

The second time it happens, he isn't aware of it until after the fact.

But what confuses him more than anything is the feeling of emptiness that fills his chest. He doesn't know what's happened, but he knows that he misses it.

Donald and Goofy look confused too, but he thinks it's from the fact that they woke up in a strange room.

He doesn't tell them he knows where they are.

* * *

Donald has always had a short temper, but the Organization always seems to ruffle his feathers that much faster. Almost as soon as they appear, he's shouting at them and waving his staff around threateningly.

But Sora doesn't get angry; he becomes sad…and a bit jealous. He's not sure why looking at the black cloaks makes him feel naked, but he still folds his arms over his chest to push the feeling away.

One of them finally gets close enough to talk to without shouting, and Sora can't help but notice that the Nobody's attention goes straight to him.

Donald starts yelling almost immediately, and even Goofy looks a bit annoyed, but Sora stays silent.

"He used to give me that same look."

He knows without a doubt that it's Xigbar.

* * *

His friends don't understand how he could possibly know it was Riku, but he would recognize that darkness anywhere. He's felt it before; he's fought it before. It's almost become a close friend with how well he knows it.

But he doesn't tell anyone why he's so confident that Riku is helping them.

He's not even entirely sure himself.

* * *

Fighting Demyx feels wrong.

"If the subject fails to respond…"

It's like fighting a kid.

"…use aggression to liberate his true disposition."

Of course they would send the one person who hates fighting of any kind.

"Dance water! Dance!"

Oh, Demyx.

* * *

It's incredibly stressful meeting every member of the Organization.

_Not every member._

He doesn't let anyone know that he knows all of them already. They would ask why, and he isn't sure he's ready to remember that part just yet.

The emptiness is still there, taunting him. He's still not sure what that means yet.

* * *

Goofy, surprisingly, seems to be the first one to notice anything is wrong.

"You feelin' okay, Sora?"

He doesn't look up from the Keyblade in his hands. "I'm fine, Goofy."

It's probably for the best that they don't know he still feels empty, like he's missing something. He just feels so stressed lately; it would be so nice if he could step away from it all for a bit and let someone else take his spot and save the worlds.

"Don't bother him, Goofy. Sora would tell us if something was wrong."

He doesn't answer.

* * *

There's something _right_ about meeting Roxas, something familiar. He's just not sure what.

Maybe it's the area Roxas has taken him to that's so familiar. It feels so empty and devoid of emotion that he can't help but smile.

It's like he doesn't have a care in the world.

"Long time no see, Roxas."

* * *

Riku doesn't question how he knows so much about the Organization.

_Because he already knows why._

Wasn't he there when it happened? Wasn't he the cause of all of this madness? Not that Sora minds. They've all made mistakes.

Kairi, on the other hand, is blissfully unaware of all of the turbulence going around in his head as she hugs her best friend.

She reminds him of seashells and paopu fruit.

He swallows the bile that rises in his throat at the thought.

"It's so good to see you again."

He still feels empty.

* * *

Xemnas is his undoing.

All of the stress from looking for his friends and hunting down Heartless and saving every world he encounters has been building up for too long.

"Riku, are you sure you're not jealous of Sora?"

It's such a ridiculous idea that he ignores it completely. Riku could never be jealous of all of the stress he has to deal with. Riku hasn't been searching every world for his best friend. Riku hasn't had his heart torn out of him and put in a completely different life. Riku hasn't had to hide what he knows about the Organization.

How could Riku possibly _want_ to feel all of that burning hatred and resentment?

All he wants is peace. He just wants all of this madness to end.

The third time it happens, it's a relief.

* * *

Sitting on the blackened beach feels perfect.

He can literally _feel_ the Darkness in the air. It's pushing him into the sand and sinking into his clothes and filling his lungs with every breath he takes.

He wishes he could stay like this forever.

Unfortunately, like every other one he's made, his wish goes ignored and a door appears out in the water.

He tries to ignore it, despite the fact that the door is literally glowing and shining light down on the two of them, but Riku insists that they go through it, just to see what's on the other side.

"Maybe it'll take us home."

He doesn't say anything as he stands up. He doesn't voice his concern that it _will_ send them home. He can't be selfish and deny Riku a way to get back to the island even if he himself doesn't really want to go.

The door opens up to reveal a blue, blue sky and the sound of waves crashing against the shore.

He can't help but think that the air is too salty.

* * *

He's sitting on the beach the next time it happens.

Kairi is saying something to him, but he's lost in thought and just enjoying the waves lick his skin. He doesn't mean to do it, but he's not necessarily unhappy that it happens.

His mind slips into blissful thoughts of nothingness, and he lets himself relax for the first time since he's gotten back to the island. The image of seashells pops into his head, but he pushes them away and ignores the taste of salt on his tongue. He's content, and he's not going to allow anything to bother him.

As his mind slips further and further away, he notices that the air becomes heavier and more pregnant. He knows what's happening, but he can't bring himself to care. Not now. He takes his first deep breath in a long time, and smiles when he feels it fill his lungs.

Yes, he knows he should open his eyes, and, yes, he knows he's treading dangerous waters by staying under this long, but it feels so good. He just wants to spend some time alone and explore the blissful silence. Maybe even figure out how to stay like this more often, but without the annoyance of the seashells.

But for now he just wants to let himself breathe.

* * *

Without Donald and Goofy, he thinks he's safe from discovery. It's not like his friends have seen how his behavior has changed in the past few months. They haven't been there; they don't know.

But of course he's wrong, just like he was with Goofy.

"You seem distant lately. Are you doing all right?"

He's aware that Riku knows exactly why he's been scatter minded and forgetful.

"Do you ever miss it?"

Riku doesn't need to ask what 'it' is, because he's the only one that knows what his best friend is going through.

"It never went away."

He runs his finger through the slightly damp sand, not really paying attention to what picture he's making. "Never?"

Riku sits down next to him and follows his gaze out over the horizon. The sun set hours ago, but there's just enough light from the stars that the island trees can be made out even this far away.

"It's nice isn't it?"

* * *

Kairi finally seems to realize the difference in her friends' behaviors. Well, one of them.

"Hey, Sora? Have you noticed that Riku's been acting different?"

He wants to shake his head at how oblivious she is. If anything, he's been acting stranger with his daydreaming. But he's always been a bit spacious in his thinking, so maybe it's not too different.

"What do you mean?" Personally, he thinks Riku has been more approachable, but he doesn't think that Kairi should be concerned about that. If anything, she should be happy.

"He seems more...menacing. Like he's darker."

Oh, that would explain it.

* * *

He's done it over twenty times now—he's lost count.

Before, he would do it because it was calming and it allowed him to forget his stress. But now he does it because of the overall feeling that comes with it.

It's not really the calming effect, but the fact that he doesn't feel anything when it happens. He enjoys the weightlessness of his body while he drifts, and how his mind is free from thinking inside the box. His thoughts are about everything and nothing at the same time, and it's the most refreshing feeling.

He likes that it's silent and empty and dark.

But mostly, he likes that he feels nothing at all.

* * *

"I'm worried about him, Sora."

He's just about to slip off again, but the sudden image of paopu fruit manages to catch his attention. Regretfully, he refocuses on his surroundings and brings his eyes up to look at her.

"Riku's acting so scary. He goes outside at night and just stares at the stars."

_At the other worlds._

"And sometimes he doesn't answer me when I call his name. It's like he's in his own little world. And I don't think it's a very nice one."

Oh, if only she knew.

"I'm sure he's fine."

She doesn't understand just how alluring the whispers are or how peaceful it is to just submit. Her heart is made of pure light; she's never been burdened with the knowledge of what true Darkness feels like.

He returns his eyes to the stars—the other worlds. It's rather ironic how he's saved so many worlds from the Darkness, and yet he himself has succumbed to it.

No, Kairi definitely wouldn't understand just how wonderful it feels.

* * *

The air isn't nearly enough to breathe now.

After spending so much time immersing himself in the Darkness, it's become the only reality he'll accept.

The air along the shore is too thin and devoid of Darkness. Not like how the air is when he submits to the other side of his heart. Most of the time, he'll submerge himself in the Darkness just so he can take a deep breath.

He's suffocating in the air, but the Darkness is his savior.

And he thinks he finally understands why Riku was so drawn to it.

* * *

"I'm leaving."

He knows why Riku is doing it. Riku has been having trouble with the Darkness in his heart, and he doesn't like that Ansem is behind it. Unlike Sora, he isn't free to use the Darkness as he pleases because he knows that if he delves too deep into it, he'll lose himself again.

"We'll wait here for you."

Kairi practically throws herself at Riku when he tells them he's going off on another journey by himself. She knows it has to do with the Darkness in his heart, but she doesn't know everything.

Riku wants what Sora has: the ability to sink into the Darkness whenever he pleases without fear of losing his body to Ansem again. Kairi probably thinks he wants to get rid of the Darkness in his heart for good.

"You'll beat him. I know you will."

He's not too sure about that, but he hopes Riku does well all the same.

"See you soon."

Riku looks at him in understanding and nods.

* * *

Once Riku's gone, Kairi finally begins to notice how her other friend is acting.

"Are you feeling okay?"

He's looking up at the stars again, at the black sky, just listening to the dark whispers like he does every night. They've become so loud; he can't help but stop whatever he's doing just to listen.

"Sora?"

He doesn't answer.

* * *

The last time it happens, he doesn't come back.


End file.
